It is evident that the serious tone posted by this blog is perhaps preventing it taking off. Time to inject some humour. The following are some items that have tickled my sense of humour over the years. Additional items (preferably ‘clean’) are welcome.
1. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
2. Did you know that Meatloaf has changed his name? He is now known as ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Mince’. (this joke is likely meaningful – like many others of mine – only to people of a certain age, who know about Meatloaf, and Prince).
3. Q. What has the horns at the back, and the a..hole at the front? A. The James Last Orchestra. (you need to know who the James Last Orchestra is, and apparantly James left something to be desired in the charisma department).
4. A bloke goes on a radio competition. He wins. First prize is a dinner date with Elle McPherson. He is all excited. Buys a new suit. Gets a haircut. Polishes his shoes. Comes Monday morning. His mates all ask. How did it go? Glum response. Why the long face? Turned out to be Lenny! (this joke is best on radio, since you don’t then have to spell the different Elle and L. Also, only a few of the audience would know that Lennie McPherson was a notorious Mr Big of the Sydney underworld. Still, I thought it funny, and still do!)
5. Middle aged, and perhaps unattractive (4ft wide, 4 ft tall, lank hair) lady, shapeless black dress, goes into the supermarket. She has modest means, and has devised a method of ripping off the supermarket. She gets her trolley, and puts in a single roll of loo paper. Then she goes to the frozen food bin, and grabs a frozen leg of lamb. She then conceals it under her dress (don’t ask me how) and waddles off to the checkout. She joins the queue. The worst thing that could possibly happen to her happens. The frozen leg of lamb falls on the ground, spinning in lazy circles. The bloke behind her taps her on the shoulder and says: “Excuse me lady – your leg’s fallen off”. (well I thought it funny, anyhow).
6. My last one for this post. Midwest US. Travelling businessman. In a strange town by himself. Goes to the circus. Best act, by far, is Marvo – The Human CannonBall. They set up the cannon, and the net! Marvo strides out. Drumrolls. He climbs up to the end of the cannon and slides in. More drum rolls. The ringmaster lights the fuse. More drum rolls. The fuse burns. Boom! Marvo flies into the air to great height. Triple somersaults before he lands feetfirst in the net. Arms raised to receive the plaudits of the crowd.
Our hero goes home. Tells the wife and kids about Marvo. Some 6 months later, the same circus comes to town. Our hero books tickets and takes the wife and kids. Terrific stuff. All the usual circus stuff. Clowns, horses, elephants, seals, trapeze artists – the works. But no Marvo the Human Cannonball. Kids are disappointed, and so is our hero. So, being the bloke he is, after the show he goes to find the ringmaster, and asks. ‘What happened to Marvo? I brought the wife and kids here especially tonight to see Marvo. Very disappointed. What went wrong? Why no Marvo?”. “Oh well sir. Very sorry about that. But since you saw Marvo, he turned 65, and had to retire. So no Marvo.” ” But if thats the case, why didn’t you find a replacement?” Here it comes, the punchline……”Sir, we couldn’t find a man of the right calibre”. Boom boom.
OK, see if you can do better.